Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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