yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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