why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Can you bring me the toilet please
It's shark week go big or go home
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
