My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
