that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
