I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
