We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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