I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
