I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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