I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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