we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She's the barista slut.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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