is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
