2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Fuck appropriateness.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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