I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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