Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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