If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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