i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
