yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
