and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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