i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
