I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
