is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
