when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
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