My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
