He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
