Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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