This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
The struggles of a small town man whore
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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