I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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