I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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