Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
