I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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