went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
