On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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