I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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