Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Randomize
