and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
