I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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