I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
