I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
