Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
