Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
