I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
