I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
