I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
