you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
