I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
