I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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