If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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