I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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