I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
She needs sedatives and a leash
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
