Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
